Adulting is soup and I’m a spork.

2018 has been a roller-coaster of emotions from the very beginning but 9 months in and when I reflect back while I wish a lot of things unfolded differently, had it not been this way,  I wouldn’t be the me that I’m working so hard to improve today. 

I’m sure often times you’ve stumbled across posts all over the internet telling you trust the process although it’s easier said than done considering the fact that human nature causes us to always be in the moment, we live in the now and hope for a better future which creates a state of mind where we attach happiness to what’s next. I’m not saying that’s necessarily a bad thing because like they say, “Hope is what keeps the poor folks going”. Resultantly, if we had to live a life where it never gets better that would be concerning considering the fact that we don’t always want to deal with our distress. Anyways so I’m currently writing this sitting at my school’s Einstein bagel by myself, just me and my thoughts which gave me some time to self-reflect about a lot of things.  A couple of life shaping experiences and rigid lessons later I find myself everyday being in love with the young woman I’m becoming. Comparing myself to where I was a year ago, as much as I hate the process it has forced me to grow up. 

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Growing up wasn’t a choice for me I just had to forcibly get it done, in order to adjust and survive

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The reality of a lot of kids from Haiti who end up moving to America permanently including myself is palpably brutal, because you leave your comfort zone and have to readjust to a new country, with people you love and everything you’ve ever known, miles away. Forced to develop ways to basically survive, and even after the fusing it really hits us that it never gets better, we just discover ways to fake it until we make it. Had I known about the amount of emotional strength simply making a home away from home require from me, I’d gladly skip it because I wasn’t prepared for any of it, I came here innocent and thinking life was this canvas you’re given and perfectly paint as you go as long as you follow directions only to realize that it’s a series of messed up patterns on a canvas that you end up convincing spectators are what makes it beautiful and unique. Despite it all we end up embracing said inconveniences and life changing experiences. 

Yesterday I had a deep conversation with one of my closest friends in Canada, where I basically was telling her about everything I’m going through and how over the year I have lost myself trying to focus on what issue currently matters the most – remember what I said about having to live in the now.  The now that unfortunately in US of A is one always one problem after the other, you pay this bill today and it’s already due a few seconds later, you come from solving one issue and you already have to solve another one which sadly ends up costing you your chance to truly watch yourself grow up as well as your sanity. When I’m battling with something I always feel like I have to figure it out myself and I don’t ask for help until it gets out of control, so I mirror myself to my parents and put myself in their shoes. Growing up, I swore that I’d never be like my parents ever but the older I get the more I find myself being somewhat similar to them, it all comes down to one question at the end of the day “How did they do it ?”. They also had to suck it up and make it work for themselves and for us, battle with things we will never know which concludes that there is a pattern in society sending out a lot of unprepared adults to the real world to deal with it. 

Besides the negativity of it all, the fact that I also am currently finding myself in the process makes it all worth it. Over these past few months I’ve been discovering myself quite a lot , it’s like every time there is a new facet in me being unwrapped. I’ve been peace seeking for a while now and everything that costs me my sleep at night is dropped with a quickness. It helps me narrow down what I allow and who I want around me as well as what exactly I’ll tolerate. I also recognize my character flaws when pointed out and work on them. The woman I’m becoming is really my greatest asset and I am so proud of it.

Even with the overwhelmed shouts in my apartment when my roommate isn’t home, the depressed days, the amount of times I want to give up and just sleep it away forever. It all ends up working out towards being that finished product. A masterpiece trying to master peace to say the least.