Pito nou led nou la

 Hey guys, 

First and foremost, let me start by saying how proud I am of myself for pushing myself to actually type 2 articles in a month and also Whew Chillay! Thank God this draining semester is over! I have been using my break to not only workout, unwind but also put 2018 in perspective to see what aspects of me I’m leaving and carrying onto the new year. For some reason I have a good feeling about 2019, it could be my weird superstition with odd years being better than even years, but we’ll see. Oh, and Bee Tee Dubs, It’s also Graduation year! 

“Pito nou led nou la”

About a week ago I found myself sitting at the Haitian Doctor’s association fundraising gala. It’s an event where almost everyone there could easily be considered as people who made it in life according to societal norms.  As I arrived there with both my uncle and my aunt, walking from the valet to the ballroom, chills and awkwardness ran down my spine when It was time to tell the people at the front door that I am the commissioner’s guest as they checked off our names on the guest list. My uncle is part of the board so it would be rational for me to be his guest, but it later hit me that I, Mendiana, a little girl from Haiti with dreams bigger and taller than her was personally given a phone call by the commissioner – a prominent American Politician and invited to a gala where he could’ve chosen anyone else. 

I followed the lady inside the ballroom to table 25 and said hello to everyone there as I sat in awkwardness. The first fifteen minutes It was uncomfortable, not too awkward because my aunt was on the table right next to me but awkward enough for me to get both on the group chat and text my cousin that “I felt out of place because everyone there had a title”. 

As I started working on my salad, I was scrolling down on Instagram and still bitching to my cousin who tried her best at persuading me to the network. It wasn’t long until my uncle grabbed me so I could meet his coworkers – “Meet my niece Mendiana, she’s 19 (He still gets my age wrong), she goes to FIU, she speaks 4 languages fluently and has limited proficiency in Portuguese” he also never forgot to add “She’s such a smart girl”. I waived and chuckled “nice to meet you” to a couple of eminent figures including a newly elected Florida House of Representatives, University of Miami’s Dean of the College of Medicine, Dr Henri Ford, who was being honored that night for being so good at what he does as well as a few notable attorneys. 

Shortly after, as I walked back to my seat, the commissioner quickly introduced me to everyone at his table and said: “Mendiana is a Senior at FIU who wants to become an attorney, she’s so smart that I believe she will be as brilliant in her field as Dr. Henri Ford”. Immediately after this statement I felt like he was pushing it because Dr. Ford was a brilliant man who attended Princeton and Harvard whom also has an impressive curriculum vitae and here I am a common girl who was drunk crying her heart away the night before and who had also just failed her International Development thought class being likened to him. 

As the commissioner walked away and left me to finish the conversation, in the back of my head I had this raging self -doubt that I was not worthy enough to be here if it wasn’t for nepotism and then it hit me that my uncle, my pre-law advisor who swears I’ll get into Georgetown and the commissioner must be seeing something I’m not seeing in myself. 

First and foremost, I have previously expressed how harsh I was on myself on here and how I am actively working on changing that, nonetheless, these past two weeks have been very challenging for me emotionally because I’ve been feeling like I am not good enough in a lot of aspects of my life no matter how much my family swear I am a brainiac ; Per example one of my aunties never fails to mention that despite me being mean, one of the few reasons why she tolerates me is because I’m intelligent. SMH...Haitians and their backhanded compliments! 

Self-doubt is lethal and more damaging than you can think because these loud thoughts that creep from your subconscious influence your day to day behavior. 

Later that week, as I sat down reading a book, I zoned out for a second, and all I could think of was all the efforts that I made to be where I am today and then I told myself that I need to give myself some credit. I work hard for everything I have, and that despite being born with some sort of a silver spoon in my mouth in Haiti, nothing has been easily handed to me. I am currently conditioning myself to get in the habit of celebrating myself at all times, even when I feel like I have done the bare minimum. 

I often get caught up in setting up new goals and worrying about what’s next that I tend to forget that at some point this was exactly what I dreamed of a couple years back and as much as it made me both uncomfortable and flattered to be likened to Dr. Ford,  as I read his bio, it was a reality check that he too started somewhere before being the man that he is today and that is enough said. 

Next time I find myself telling myself that I’m not doing enough hopefully the next thought that follows will quickly remind me that baby steps are also steps forward. That I am Mendiana, 21 years young with a unique story and a whole life ahead of me and that enough is my power to become whoever I want to be. That failed class can be retaken, that opportunity I got denied will open doors to plenty of other chances. Mistake is part of human nature and in conclusion, Pito nou led nou la.