Flaws & all

The background

It was 1:46 PM, I was at the Starbucks on South Miami Avenue when I placed my locked phone on the counter while looking for my debit card through my endless store memberships. 

I had on light washed jeans, a pair of dirty white converse, a basic white tee, a khaki parka and two messy spaced buns when this well-groomed Caucasian man in his late 40’s offered to pay for my drink. Focused to find my card so I could get my venti mocha Frappuccino I kindly declined and continued to look.  I was the only one in the line, therefore, I was not in a rush. He insisted; I said thanks for the offer but I got it while I remembered my card was behind my phone as I grabbed it and handed it to the cashier.

 He took a bite of his croissant and said, “You must really love yourself” while he looked down on the counter and staring at my lock screen. I’m not known to be nice to strangers especially during mid-day when I’m out handling my business, I retorted excuse you? He said Yes! It takes a special kind of confidence to have yourself on your lock screen, with a poker face I said well I chose not to be like everyone else. He then said, I think that’s a good thing, I’d be obsessed with myself too if I was as beautiful as you. I said thank you but little did this man know he was making me uncomfortable because I did not believe a single word that came out of his mouth. He then told me his name and handed me his business card later on trying to keep the conversation going while I was trying to escape it. The girl called my name because my coffee was ready, he said “Mendiana !  that's a beautiful name, I’ve never heard anything like this before” I said thank you and used my coffee as an excuse to walk away as fast as I could as he kindly suggested that we stayed in touch. I nodded , exited the store then  I walked down a few blocks, crossed the street and entered Dolores Lolita for their lunch special. 

During my lunch, I kept thinking about the encounter while eating my shoestrings fries, then the idea of this blog came to my mind. I chose to instantly name it Mendi in progress because I was starting a journey of self-love and saw it as an opportunity for growth.

The wake-up call

Last year I gained a lot of weight because I took full-time classes online during the spring which was accompanied by comfort eating. In July, I moved to university and started living by myself which resulted in me gaining freshman 15 so mid-October I was at my heaviest, 156 pounds. This took an emotional toll on me because every single aspect of my body was affected, my cheeks were extra round, I was wearing 2 bra cup sizes up and none of my clothes were fitting. People close to me know that I spend hours complaining about how I think I’m not enough, friends who get to see me naked know that I stare in the mirror and nitpick every single proportion, scar, and cellulite in my body; I also spend hours googling plastic surgeons and celebrity’s weight for comparison. I think of insane ways to alter myself and feed that unrealistic idea of perfection but it clicked to me recently, that maybe I should look at myself from a stranger’s point of view, I told myself that I’d try to see what that man at the coffee shop saw, what those Cuban men who honk their horns at me on 109th avenue see, and what does my waxer from Ukraine who showers me with compliment sees, so this year I started to love myself piece by piece. 

Every Monday I wake up, write on a “bomb feature of the week”. It started with my skin that I think isn’t uniform, my hair where I’d try to see the best in it for a week, yes even on bad hair days, my boobs where I’d look at them from every angle and appreciate them because unlike everyone else I complain that they’re too perky , then my tooth gap because so many people compliment me on my smile that I hide because I’m self-conscious about it, then my nose that I have hated for so long because it’s not defined enough. Today, Monday the 4th of June my feature of the week is my stretch marks. I plan on doing this exercise where I acknowledge my flaws and become comfortable with them until I learn to wholeheartedly truly love myself. 

The definition of perfection is something completely relative and everyone no matter how poppin’ you might think they are battling something they hate about themselves that you have no idea about. It took me some random man at a coffee shop to pay me a compliment which encouraged me to start a rewarding journey of self-love and I thank the universe dearly for that encounter. I incite everyone to love themselves piece by piece because self-love starts with self-acceptance. It's also the only kind of love that makes you a better person for yourself and the people around you.

P.S. Dear man from the coffee shop , I tossed your business card in the trash but if you ever come across my blog, this post it’s dearly dedicated to you. I’m telling you thank you wholeheartedly a few weeks later and I’d honestly be down for coffee, I promise I’m not as mean as I seem. It’s your treat btw.