How often do you come on my page ? And still know nothing.

When I started with the idea of this rather published journal. I imagined myself being able to write about anything that would help out with my growth while I do some deep soul searching. I knew finding myself and being true to myself wasn’t going to be easy, but I did not prepare for a lot of the things that are currently in a way - obstructing my growth. In this article I want to say I’ll be getting down with the nitty-gritty to a certain level because I have not forgotten that there is a big part of my audience from Haiti and I learned my lesson with Haitians knowing too much of my business. Anyways, moving on. 

I am not a sensitive person. I keep a lot of emotions bottled up and very limited things bother me to the point where I have to get nasty although it may seem like I always am on the edge but believe it or not I’m 5’3 with at least two inches of patience.  To a few I’m a snappy bitch, to some I portray this young woman full of life, who sips mimosa for breakfast every other Sunday and who seem to have it all figured out and To my circle I’m a beautiful mess because they have both seen me at my pinnacle and my worst and in all honestly all of these facets of me are true but of course the is the real me who wakes up every day and has no idea what the fuck she is doing, who is an emotional train wreck just taking it one day at a time to see where this journey leads – yes amongst the glitz and glam I am just a regular girl who a lot of her plate carefully choosing what to consume to keep her going.

It’s so easy to fake the funk on social media because people never post their failures only their accomplishments because there is a misconception and a timeline to achieve things. It’s advertised that you need to “grow in your twenties and secure the bag to live comfortably in your thirties” and it’s even worse when you fake the funk aesthetically; it attracts people to keep up with you so now there is a standard with the way you do things because people expect you to be – a certain way.  Who could’ve thought me using a uniform filter on my pictures would have my dm’s flooded with girls I went to school with telling me how they’re my biggest fans.

Ironically enough , recently I have not been really proud of the woman I reflect in the mirror. Keep in mind that I know that an important part of self-care is to not be too hard on yourself but sometimes I have to catch myself amidst the bullshit and tell myself “Sis, what the fuck”.

Academically: It is no secret to a lot of you that I eventually want to go to law school, become an attorney, help out as many less fortunate people as I can, practice immigration law pro bono and advocate for an immigration law overhaul. I fell in love with the idea of being a lawyer a couple of years back because I could merge my love to make a point with backed up evidential laws that were set forth by people who were here centuries before me. Additionally I inked myself with the scale of justice on my 21^stbirthday , “There's no going back, you have no choice now but to be an attorney” my second mother chuckled to me as I broke the news to her. Which made me realize that apart from the so called fans I have on social media I have my family expecting so much from me but here I am slacking and settling for c’s in school because some mornings, I don’t want to leave my bed because I’m too lazy to get ready for school or get to my 50 minute lectures 25 minutes late, because I don’t want to leave the house unless my outfit is perfect. All trivial things contributing to my GPA not being high enough to get into the law school I desire. Winner mindset with loser attitude but the first step to working on changing an issue is to identify it right? 

Lately I’ve been having to remind myself that I don’t finish in second place, in all aspects of my life which is why I think the universe throws so much my way to see if my affirmation is in fact me being true to myself because in many instances I have felt like I'm always the second best option and never the first.

Romantically: My love life is a mess, there is a constant circle of me falling for emotionally unavailable people, ignoring most of the red flags because I’m too busy gagging on stupid bitch juice and then spend days like today staring at myself and feeling utterly disgust with the way I allow myself to feel. I’m not pressed to be in a relationship at the moment like I tell my girls everyday but if someone special comes then I’ll take it one day at a time and see where it leads. However, no matter how many times I convince myself and coach myself to do better because I know better it just seems like my heart casually tells me “YALL WON.” as if I didn't know my actions would eventually lead to self destruction. A couple years back I persuaded myself to never be an option in any man’s life, the moment he starts moving funny cut that nigga off and say next but listen when I go back and self-reflect I always let men get away with too much until I say it’s enough just to look back and say I should’ve said fuck it sooner. Although I associate nothing good to the very first guy who taught me heartache I appreciate him for teaching me what exactly I am NOT looking for in a man. To the  first guy I considered the love of my life whom I still have a lot of love for, despite him thinking I was disposable when he realized how weak he made me. I blame myself for even allowing him to feel comfortable enough to think I’d stay through the disrespect. 

Physically: I’m tired

Spiritually: I’m trying

OVERALL: I honestly wish I could apply a uniform filter to the many aspects of my life causing me to be disgusted to the woman I see in the mirror that way a lot of things would just flow and in fact be aesthetically pleasing simply because I know better but sets myself short. I always want to hold on to the best thing right now since I'm  not sure when, where and if something better will come  however I hate that I have to accept that the journey must go on despite all the fuckeries attached to it that I don't enjoy very much.

 I really do hope , a couple of years ahead I look back and smile about it all but as for now we're faking the funk until we make it. 

Spectators. Kind of welcomed.

Sincerely , 

Mendi.